The Style Invitational Week 989 Moonlighting madness —
combine two professions
By Pat Myers
(Picture D) NFL placekicker moonlights
as a TV critic: Both jobs require the ability to kick something when it’s down.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
(Picture B) Alligator wrestler/hack
novelist: It’s not just her prose that bites. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
New contest: Come up with a
double or multiple profession, and explain how each job complements the
other(s), as in the examples above — each of which gets an honorable mention
for Week 985, whose results we run today. In that contest, we published these
five typically weird cartoons created by our go-to maniacal genius Bob Staake,
and asked you to tell us what Style Invitational contest any of them might be illustrating
— either an actual previous contest or one you made up. Perennial Losers Gary
and Lawrence sent in pretty much the same contest idea, which the Empress found
highly promising, though neither of their entries for it wins more than a
magnet. (We don’t want the contest examples to be unmatchably good, anyway.)
Maybe they’ll do better next time.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second
place receives a charmingly highbrow practical-joke device called Talking
Toilet, which you install under the seat; when someone sits down, the box
starts shouting things like “Hey, I’m working down here!” Donated by Nan
Reiner.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a
smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct.
1; results published Oct. 21 (online Oct. 18). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week. Include “Week 989” in your e-mail subject line or it might be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The
subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the
alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by Jeff Contompasis.
Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 985, in which we asked you to name a real or imagined Style Invitational
contest that any of these cartoons could illustrate:
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
plus a copy of today’s
Invitational autographed and dedicated by Bob Staake himself:
Week 982, song parody
including one line from the original:
Picture E: To “Fugue for
Tinhorns” from “Guys and Dolls”:
I’ve got the horse right
here,
He’s in the bathtub, dear,
But all the lights went out,
and he’s toast, I fear.
Boo hoo, I’m blue;
The horse blew a fuse, it’s
true;
It looks like the horse is
through;
(The toaster, too.) (Beverley
Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
2. Winner of another
Bobographed page plus a tin of Zombie Mints: Picture A: New contest: Change a
rule for a well-known game to reflect today’s society: If you are playing the
banker in Monopoly and are about to go bankrupt, you get to keep picking cards
from the Community Chest until you are solvent. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
3. Picture D: Our perennial
“joint legislation” contest: The Eschoo-Boozman-Kildee-Foxx-Udall-Reid-Moore
Act to increase American IQs by eliminating the two leading brain cell
destroyers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
4. Picture B: New contest:
Come up with an invention incorporating a live animal: The new Croc-o-Bile
Crapplicator for Political BloggersTM. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)
Looking a bit drawn: honorable mentions
PICTURE A
Week 913, move a word’s last
letter to the beginning: U-sham: What a whale says to someone who cheats.
(Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Week 458, Asterisky Business,
jokes requiring particular knowledge to understand:
The dolphin knew Bob’s victory would be
short-lived, as it smugly bid him farewell with “a double-backwards somersault
through a hoop whilst whistling ‘The Star-Spangled Banner.’ ”*
*In “The Hitchhiker’s Guide
to the Galaxy,” this gesture translates as “So long, and thanks for all the
fish,” foreshadowing Earth’s imminent destruction. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn,
Va.)
New contest: Limericks about
pets:
While fishing, a man from
Nantucket
A dolphin calf caught in a
bucket.
It grew up, you see,
To be smarter than he,
But he somehow could always
out-luck it. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
PICTURE B
New contest: Invent an
expression that sounds risque, but provide the “real,” G-rated meaning.
“Shakin’ the gator”: Thoroughly mixing the contents of your sports drink bottle
before drinking. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
New contest: Ways that
old-fashioned technology could be made more appealing today: The Monster Gator
Correcto-Pen holds enough Wite-Out to repaint the Beltway. (Lawrence McGuire,
Waldorf, Md.)
Week 939, combine two movie
titles: “There’s Swamp Thing About Mary”: A young woman has many suitors, but
none can get past her friend Snappy. (Christopher Lamora)
PICTURE C
New contest: Combine two
publications and create their marketing pitch:
Gourmet and Cat Fancy: How to
prepare the finest meal Tabby will never eat. (Kevin Dopart)
Week 429, evidence that some
institution has jumped the shark: Garfield becomes anorexic. (Mike Gips,
Bethesda, Md.)
Week 947, Tour de Fours VIII,
neologisms containing the word block N-O-E-L in any order: Abaloney: Mock
shellfish found in “premium” cat food. (Jeff Contompasis)
New contest: Write a parody
of a famous poem as a cartoon caption:
Whose food this is I think I
know,
His house is in the back
yard, though;
You will not catch me dining
here
On way-beneath-me canned
Alpo. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
New contest: Create a
sentence where the last letter of each word is the first letter of the next
word, as in this pointless example: “Covered dish holding giant tarantula
angered domestic cat.” Make it funnier than this one or you’ll be writing
limericks again. (Ned Bent, Erie, Pa.)
PICTURE D
Week 212, products that the
world doesn’t need: Coffee concentrate, for when you can’t be too highly
strung. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)
New contest:How people’s
lives are influenced by TV shows: By closely watching “Dancing With the Stars,”
Matilda was determined to master the step-left-kick-right, even though her
“medicine” made it more challenging. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)
PICTURE E
For the annual
racehorse-“breeding” contest: Toastmaster x Bathing Beauty = Electro-Cute
(Peter Shawhan, Silver Spring)
Week 442, slightly changed
movie titles: “My Friend Flickered”: Mrs. O’Leary’s granddaughter’s horse
starts the 1965 East Coast blackout. (Kevin Dopart)
New contest: Candidates’
deep, dark secrets: Rafalca once tried to commit suicide. (Robert Schechter,
Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Week 768, fictitious movie
trivia: The original script for “The Godfather” had the horse discovered in the
bathroom. (Mike Gips)
New contest: Inbreeding: Mate
two horses whose foal will end up at the shallow end of the gene pool: Uncle Mo
x Brilliant Speed = Slow Mo; Supreme Ruler x Empire Way = Hemophilia (Jonathan
Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Week 110, warning labels: On
a bottle of champagne: If you’re bathing in champagne to celebrate a big win,
do not make your own toast points for the caviar. (Gary Crockett)
Next week’s results: Week 986, Hear here, or
Litellagrams, humor with homophones.